I get so upset and frustrated many times not being able to do stuff I was able to. On many occasion I forget I have MS or say fuck it I can do this, I need to feel worthy, useful, like I’m doing my share in the household. Even if it’s the little shit. Thinking…I’ll just take more time, focus, concentrate – it will be no problem.
WHAM!! I fall on my ass and fail again.
I was settling in for the evening and just wrote out checks for some bills I could not pay on-line that needed to be mailed the next day. My wife said she did not have time to stop earlier to get the mail. I decided to venture out at 9:45pm and retrieve the mail and ready my money for the government to piss away in the next big scandal. I grabbed my cane and went thru the garage which was not that cold and I would only be 2 minutes more out and back from the mailbox. As soon as I left the garage, my 2nd hobble stride into the blacktop driveway I was “flat” on my hands and knees. I smacked so hard I swear the neighbors heard it. My entire body jolted from the impact except for the Innovative Neurotronics #WalkAide I landed on and cracked and damaged. I’ll never understand why these new cuffs do not hold the device on the inside of the leg like my old one did.
It took me a minute or two to come to my senses. Then the pain hit, then the disgust and depression of crushing my “can’t live without device” – The WalkAide. I took it off my leg so I could start the long arduous process of maybe being able to get up from the slippery black ice. Rolled on to 1 butt-cheek and realized I was stuck and had no grip at the same time. Almost 25 minutes had passed by and I was getting colder and a frosty left cheek. Desperately I scooched towards the tanbark and noticed the location of the other pieces I heard when I fell. The battery and battery cover went flying but were still within arms reach. I quickly used my 1 good hand to grab those and stuff them in my pocket. There was a glimmer of hope as I felt my cell phone in there and was able to call my wife to bring a folding chair to help pull me up.
Just fucking pathetic is how I was feeling then and now, albeit Black Ice or was it MS? and my determination to keep going, not quitting, keep trying, keep moving, getting up again after another hard fought battle with gravity and this chronic illness.